Why We Compare Ourselves to Others and How to Break Free from the Trap
There's a good chance that you've caught yourself "doom scrolling" on social media at some point. Endlessly scrolling through Instagram or Tik Tok, not really consciously engaging in the posts or videos. But in the background, your brain is working overtime. In fact, after doom scrolling and looking at how other people have been living their lives, you may have noticed feeling a pang of disappointment in your own life. It’s a familiar feeling, one we all experience from time to time. Comparing ourselves to others is a deeply ingrained human reaction, and it has roots in our evolutionary past. But our "village" looks very different in today's modern, fast paced world, by comparison to our ancestors and this helpful strategy may no longer be as useful.
The Evolutionary Roots of Comparison
Our brains are wired for survival, and comparison is one way we gather information to feel safe. In our evolutionary history, being part of a group was essential for survival. In order to feel safe, you needed to fit in. If you were too different from the group, you might be left behind, and that could be a dangerous or even life threatening outcome.
So, we developed a mechanism for constantly evaluating ourselves against others. Our brain got good at comparing ourselves to our group. Am I keeping up? Am I similar enough to the others in my group to belong and be safe? In that context, it made sense. But today, our "groups" aren't just a handful of people in a tribe or village—they’re the entire world, thanks to social media. We're not just comparing ourselves to our neighbors anymore. Now, we’re sizing ourselves up against celebrities, influencers, and even strangers. And the outcomes of these comparisons can be pretty bleak.
The Modern Comparison Trap
With social media, we're bombarded with idealised versions of people's lives. More often we get to see the highlight reel, but rarely do we see the whole picture — the messy moments, the ordinary parts of their lives. And yet, we compare our everyday realities to these curated moments.
Research shows that the more time people spend on social media is associated with increased risk of symptoms of depression. This makes sense—if you’re constantly comparing your behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel, it’s easy to feel like you’re not enough.
But here’s the thing: your brain isn’t trying to make you feel bad. It’s trying to keep you safe.
Who Are You Comparing Yourself To?
The next time you find yourself in the comparison trap, ask yourself: Who am I comparing myself to? Is this a helpful comparison? What standards are you comparing yourself to? Are they helpful? Is it someone whose circumstances or life experiences are completely different from yours?
Sometimes, the Comparison Trap is tapping into a deeper core belief that we’re not good enough, that somehow we’re falling behind. But the truth is, comparing yourself to others is like comparing apples to oranges. Each person’s journey is unique, shaped by a multitude of factors we can’t always see or understand.
Breaking the Cycle: Is This Comparison Helpful?
Recognizing that comparison is normal can help take the sting out of it. Your brain is trying to protect you by scanning for potential threats or ways you might be falling behind. But when you live in a world where your “group” includes thousands of people, this system becomes overwhelming.
Next time you catch yourself comparing, try these strategies:
Acknowledge It: Recognize that your brain is simply trying to help you. Instead of fighting the comparison, acknowledge that it’s happening and let it pass.
Ask If It's Helpful: Is this comparison helping you? Is it pushing you towards growth, or is it making you feel worse? If it’s not helpful, give yourself permission to let it go.
Focus on What You Can Control: You might not be able to change someone else’s situation, but you can work on your own. Ask yourself: What can I do today to move closer to my goals, and what is beyond my control? How am I improving today compared to last week or last month?
Reframe the Narrative: What can you learn from their journey that could help you in your own? This means recognising that you are not them, but their journey may be provide clues that help you achieve your own goals.
Comparison is an old tool for a new world. It helped us survive in smaller groups, but now it often leaves us feeling like we don’t measure up. By understanding this, you can begin to break free from the trap and focus on living your own, unique life.
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